How to save a life

Two years ago today I wrote a very long, very emotional open letter to my then partner Jason. At his request we were taking a break. I had moved to Lyall Bay and was flatting with my friend Mal.  I lay down in bed that night bawling my eyes out listening over and over again to the one song that was getting me though the misery of being broken from a broken relationship. 

https://youtu.be/O93EzrqZ6DY. Blue day by Mi Sex was a song that just wrenched at my heart, the words just cut me to the bone and I just couldn't stop listening to it. 

Jason and I in 2012

I poured my heart and soul into that letter and then posted it on Facebook. Some of you may remember what I wrote but others will be wondering what I said. I'm not going to rerun it all here but it was very much a heartfelt cry out to the man I wanted to marry. 

That night I lost Jason for good, I lost some friends but I also gained the respect of others who at the time didn't realise how bad things had got.  My depression had really ruined my relationship with him and there was no going back. As far as he was concerned I had done the unforgivable and aired our private problems in public and he was embarrassed. 

Me in mid 2014.  Forced smile huh

Two years have passed since that god awful night. It came up on my Facebook "memories" today and I realised that I hadn't even thought about that letter or what I had written in such a long time. So I took some time out today at work in the sun (it got to over 28c here today btw) and sat down and read those words and realised that in fact I was still happy with what I had written back then, how I had tried to get him to understand what I was going through as he wasn't listening when I tried to explain those words verbally. More than anything I realised how much I have changed since that moment in my life. For the first reading that letter I didn't cry. 

I have become stronger, happier, and more in tune with myself, though sometimes I still forget to listen to what my mind has to say for itself. I went through the grieving, anger and frustration of losing the man I was in love with, to realise that in fact he did me a favour.  I had lost me, I had lost who I really was.  I had changed to become the person I thought he wanted to be instead of staying true to myself. 

It's taken me a long time to realise this. A lot of tears and cussing and self pity has passed by me over the past two years. Peace has come and gone and come back again and with it the realisation that while I will always keep a place in my heart for him I am not in love with him anymore and haven't been for a long time now and wish him only good things for his future. Hindsight and all that there are a few things I wish we could have changed during the separation process but they don't eat away at me anymore.  

2016 - I am happy. I am me again 

And you now what. I don't think of Blue Day as a sad song anymore. I think of it as the song that saved my life.